hermit, n.

I've been calling myself a hermit a lot lately. It's both a disclaimer and a crutch. I feel less guilty about avoiding certain social situations and for slinking into my room to watch bad tv in the middle of gatherings. I decided to look up the word today, on my 5th use of the day. What I found was ... well, hopeful:

hermit, noun. - 1. a person living in solitude as a religious discipline. 2. a hummingbird found in the shady lower layers of tropical forests, foraging along a regular route.

See? I'm just a hummingbird, foraging along a regular route.

musings on coupledom

I ran into a gaggle of cool-kids today, in the lobby of Butler Library. Absolutely resplendent in ratty soccer-style sneakers and my windblown, $5 pashmina, we found ourselves entertaining thoughts on coupling and singledom. I've always known that nonchalance is the modus operandi of New York City's becardiganed, too-cool-for-school crowd; but it seems that relationships-- for most of the early-20-somethings I've met at least-- are treated with a nonchalance that borders on irreverence. And then I thought: maybe they have a point.

My own relationship has certainly changed me for the better. In other ways though, aspects of my personality (my ability, for example, to be a jealous, ranting loony) have been given a new platform for expression. I think it's these dark and scary parts of our (relatively) newly post-pubescent selves that both single and coupled, early-20-somethings are attempting to avoid. Without getting too Hallmark card-y, the great thing about being in a relationship is not (at least not at 21) social capital or financial security. Rather, it's the knowledge that you can explore those slightly crazier recesses in yourself and have someone there who understands the process (and, hopefully, loves you anyway).

As the cool kids and I made off in our separate directions, I decided to let a little, very little, irreverence into my relationship. Maybe it's just what we need.

fake world

A former friend (and very funny lady) has been keeping a blog about her semester abroad experiences in Aix-en-Provence, France (I will not pretend that I don't read it with near-religious fervor and delight). She wrote recently about feeling like being abroad was like living in a "fake world." It seems, though--after a couple readings-- that it's the abundance of pastries, the meeting new people and seeing new things, and the making time to do stuff that's genuinely interesting that makes her world feel "fake." At the risk of sounding like a Carrie Bradshaw wannabe, I got to thinking about how often I put off what I want to do in favor of everything else, namely, what I should be doing. Life, after all, should be about making a better later now, not the other way around.

In a week in which the weather has been nice and I've been free to enjoy it, I have, more than ever, put off getting those pesky administrative things taken care of: taxes, planning my summer, presentation preparation and assorted assignments. All of those things, for better or worse, are my real life (and they're a real pain). But slowly--and verrry slowly indeed-- I've realized over the course of this week that getting those things done will make it easier to live my "fake life" and create my "fake world" in my real one.

And that feels good.

I feel it all/the wings are wide

wild card inside.

ok, cupid.

Today, at a friend's birthday party, while browsing her profile on the popular dating site OKCupid in the spirit of the aforementioned festivities, we came across an ex's profile. What I realized (aside from the fact that the poor kid is quite lonely), is that over the last two years I have created a retrospective vision of a terrible, monster of a guy who is the worst person you'll ever meet. The truth is, yes, he's objectifying and disrespectful. But people-- all people-- are multilayered. There was a time, before I knew better, that I was head over heels.

I'm so glad that cupid's aim is better these days and that I'm able to celebrate this Valentine's Day with someone who is-- flaws and all-- perfect.

elephants overhead

Recently, I got asked to move out of campus housing and into the greater wilds of New York City. After saying-- and genuinely meaning-- that I'd think about, it seems that the universe is speeding up the thinking process.

A raucously elephantine party in the apartment above mine last night (not to mention the late-night entrance of my own, mutinous suitemates) has me thinking a lot more about dorm life. For the most part, I have had ideal dorm-living experiences, but this year has been pretty... different. I have never before lived in a "party dorm," and apparently this one is just that Thursday through Saturday. Last night, after calling the RA on duty, public safety, and berating my suitemates, I realized that I will always be a hermit, the curmudgeon-y guy who wants his peace and quiet after 1am. And maybe the best thing for me (and the University's obnoxiously exuberant party-goers) is for me to vacate the premises and carve out a new life somewhere else.

31 january

I haven't written anything here since 2009. What a funny thing.

The start of the new semester is a stressful time and always leaves me feeling a little unsettled and uneasy. But after a week or two of classes and new Clefs (!) and some adjustment to my new schedule, I feel as though the dust is finally settling.